once again, my mother laughs at my pain.
so i was assigned to teach today at church. i really hate teaching. i don't like talking to a group of people. i don't raise my hand in class, or offer any sort of comment. ever. i don't know why i was asked, but i'm sure no one had any idea what they were getting. before i could even start talking, i started crying. that's right. just standing there was hard. so then, our relief society president gets up and tells them that it's just really hard for me to speak in front of a group, and if people could say prayers for me, it would be good. that set me off. luckily, one of the counselors had given me some tissues. i think i used about 9 of them. so basically, it was twenty minutes of me trembling, crying, trying to calm down, hoping to just faint, and a little bit of talking. after church my mom took me to her house. on the way i was telling her all that had happened and she's cracking up. she was subbing in the primary as the music person. she said that if she'd known i was teaching she would have poked her head in. i pointed out that this would have made the crowd bigger, so it was probably a good thing that she didn't. she just laughed again.
this is not the first time that she's laughed at me when i've had to speak. years ago, before i was married i was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting. i was going to the singles branch, and was still fairly new to nevada. anyway, i told a story of something that had happened years earlier. apparently it made people think that i currently had no friends and i swear they wanted to assign one to me. yeah, mom cracked up at that, too.
i don't know why i get chosen to speak. i can't do it. you want me to sing a song? sure, no problem. oh, dance on stage? that's fine. recite a poem? okay. talk? with my own words? absolutely not. i don't know if technically i have panic attacks. i need to see the symptom list, or talk to a psychologist. my own personal opinion, heck yeah it was a panic attack.
9 comments:
A behaind your back moment...
When I came into RS and found out that you had given the lesson I had tears in my eyes because I knew that it is a horrible thing for you to do. But then I thought that my tears would not make it easy on you, so I turned to my old standby- Laughter. I knew that a warm fuzzy hug would not do it to settle you, no, a smile and a funny word. I felt your pain, but my way to console you would be to show you that you can get past it.
So I am not laughing AT you, I am laughing For you, to help you. And I do that because I love you. MOM
Aaron can't talk in public either. We were cleaning the church one Saturday and He and Katie were in the chapel goofing around... he got all choked up with just us in there.
When I talk in front of people I start giggling, rambling and talking way to fast. Its really a horrible sight to see!
well you know you saw me in primary!
Children are the worse to talk in front of. haha.
I'm sorry I missed your lesson.
well - i am sure whatever it was - they got something out of it. and ya - that is a panick attack. hey - it could have been worse... you could havec just stood up there and read the lesson from cover to cover like some people... ugh.
You are hilarious. I would rather die than dance or sing or do anything on stage, but I don't mind lessons or talks cause I figure I have a cheat book in the lesson manual, and there are some seriously chatty women in my ward so most of the time you make it through about a fourth of the material. I am so glad you survived to blog another day!
I can give a talk, but I get really nervous. I can sing in duets and any groups bigger without feeling nervous, but a solo I'm all nerves. Bearing my testimony I'm really nervous because I don't have words mapped out in front of me.
So I'm reading this and I feel tears coming on! I know what it's like to be terrified to speak in public. Ira has the same problem, He HATES it. I just cry the intire time! I'm glad you got thru it.
I did get a smile on my face reading this, but just because it proves how much we're related. I'm always jealous of those who can speak with the spirit without getting emotional as well as those who seem to have nerves of steal. The only thing you can do is practice, practice, practice and after that depend on the Lord's gentle mercies. Who knows, maybe someday you'll be a great speaker and everybody will come from miles away to hear you.
When I came in to make the announcement, I had no idea you'd been nervous! I just thought you were really feeling the spirit. I even thought to myself, "Wow, at the end of RS they are all crying with the spirit and at the end of primary I'm just out of breath." Good for you for doing it.
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