once again, my mother laughs at my pain.
so i was assigned to teach today at church. i really hate teaching. i don't like talking to a group of people. i don't raise my hand in class, or offer any sort of comment. ever. i don't know why i was asked, but i'm sure no one had any idea what they were getting. before i could even start talking, i started crying. that's right. just standing there was hard. so then, our relief society president gets up and tells them that it's just really hard for me to speak in front of a group, and if people could say prayers for me, it would be good. that set me off. luckily, one of the counselors had given me some tissues. i think i used about 9 of them. so basically, it was twenty minutes of me trembling, crying, trying to calm down, hoping to just faint, and a little bit of talking. after church my mom took me to her house. on the way i was telling her all that had happened and she's cracking up. she was subbing in the primary as the music person. she said that if she'd known i was teaching she would have poked her head in. i pointed out that this would have made the crowd bigger, so it was probably a good thing that she didn't. she just laughed again.
this is not the first time that she's laughed at me when i've had to speak. years ago, before i was married i was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting. i was going to the singles branch, and was still fairly new to nevada. anyway, i told a story of something that had happened years earlier. apparently it made people think that i currently had no friends and i swear they wanted to assign one to me. yeah, mom cracked up at that, too.
i don't know why i get chosen to speak. i can't do it. you want me to sing a song? sure, no problem. oh, dance on stage? that's fine. recite a poem? okay. talk? with my own words? absolutely not. i don't know if technically i have panic attacks. i need to see the symptom list, or talk to a psychologist. my own personal opinion, heck yeah it was a panic attack.